Μία ‘Εξαλλη Όδυσσεια

Forget the Odyssey you thought you knew. Homer sang about it, but I lived it.

And over the centuries, many of the hidden secrets of my epic have been forgotten.
Would you like to hear them?

For instance:

What did the Laestrygonians really look like? And was Cavafy perhaps just making things up?

Why are the Cyclopes still singing “Twelve” and “The Lovestruck One”?

What kind of witch was Circe, and how much did she charge for a detailed horoscope reading?

What was the real story behind the lotus flowers and Helios’ Black Angus cattle?

What was the Sirens’ repertoire, and why do some people go down because they fall, while others because they are tied up?

What did my mother say to me the moment she saw me in the Underworld? (No, we didn’t have cardigans back then.)

What was Scylla before she turned into a monster, and why couldn’t all the antacids in the world have been enough for her sister?

How did I end up stranded for seven years on Calypso’s island?

Just how much of a mafia figure was Hermes, really? And why do we know so little about the mysterious Larry?

Above all—who was the real Penelope, the woman who never touched a loom in her life and couldn’t care less about her suitors?

So sit back, and I’ll tell you everything myself: Odysseus, the resourceful hero and star of this story.

Everything else is the word of the immortals—which is to say, nothing but fairy tales.